4 Nov

I love being in school, don’t get me wrong. I am genuinely excited to go to class everyday. I really am. Overall I like everyone in my class, and I certainly get along with everyone fine. But there’s just something about this all that I’m not to fond of. It’s not class, it’s not new friends or making new friends, it’s not the teachers. It’s not anything like that. I think it’s more the fact that I don’t feel like myself anymore.

While I was in Costa Rica, I really found out who I was, and was very comfortable with that. I never showed the insecure side of me. I was silly, goofy, dumb at time, outgoing, and 100% confident with who I was. And I looked confident too. I took pride in my looks, I looked like I always wanted to look. I never dressed for anyone else except myself. And that continued to my last year of high school. I was “that girl” who wore heels, skirts, dresses to school. I always dressed up. I hardly ever wore jeans, and if I wore sweats people knew there was something wrong. I think I wore them like 2 times to school. My hair was always done, my make up was always done. And even if people thought it was strange that a high school kid dressed up so much to school (and people did), I didn’t care. I loved looking like that. I presented myself the way I wanted to be seen. And I let my true personality shine though. You either liked it, or you didn’t, but either way I didn’t give a rats ass.

Sure, it may sound superficial to many people, but skirts and heels are my “comfy” clothes. Theses are the things I feel comfortable in. I rather be in them than sweatpants and running shoes (or jeans and flats, ect) Without them, I feel insecure. I like being different, and with out them, I feel .. typical, predictable, boring.

In this program I have to wear tights, leotards, sweaters (although.. i do love a baggy t-shirt), running shoes, sweat pants (ect). And what’s the point with spending time with make-up, or making you’re hair look nice, you just end up putting it up anyways. I feel uncomfortable, insecure, and extremely vulnerable. I hate feeling this way. I know it shouldn’t matter what one wears, and that the feeling of security comes from within, let’s be honest, if you strip away all the things someone feels comfortable in, it wears away at them.

I’m getting to that point. I’m being stripped down of my wall in classes, and not being able to wear my comfy clothes, well it’s starting to take a toll on me. I feel like I can’t do anything right, and that I could either cry or start yelling at someone any second. That was me 4 years ago, and I hate it. I hate that side of me. It’s dark, ugly, and no one wants to be friends with someone like that. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that. I don’t want to get like that again.

I miss my comfy clothes. I miss my confidence. I miss my care-free personality. I miss myself.

I’ve decided I’m going to fix it. I’m not positive exactly how yet, but I’m determined. This feeling WILL go away. I can promise you that.

ps. I hate sweatpants.. just thought I would get that out there, if it wasn’t clear already.

pps. this was a really hard post for me to share. I’m not one for letting my walls down and being so…unguarded.


2 Responses to “Sweatpants.”

  1. Kirsten November 4, 2010 at 12:46 am #

    Sweatpants have turned into my comfy clothes. In college it just doesn’t make as much sense to dress up anymore, as unfortunate as that may be.

    • starvingartistbrittany November 4, 2010 at 12:53 am #

      i may have to wear sweats everyday, but i hate them. they are my easy clothes, not comfy clothes. i still hate them. i dress up whenever possible.

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